the greatest tragedy in life is putting so much of your heart into something you don't really care about.

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i think i'm gonna stay in sd after i graduate. i don't feel like an adventure right now or in the next few months. sd is the adventure now. there's just too much to see and do here. on top of that, i have things to finish up here before i move on or even think of starting a new adventure somewhere else. i want to get the fashion design certificate at mesa and possibly get one in fashion merchandising also. so i'm here to stay for a while longer at least. i figured that my life in the past 5 years has been based on trying to get away from people and things that i start to get comfortable with so that they don't have a chance to get away from me or leave me hanging or so that i don't have a chance to miss something. i have nothing else to run from anymore at least in sd. it's not like i got comfortable here. whatevs.

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life is getting harder but only because people don't let me bs them anymore. everything i did i bs-ed back in rside and oxnard and got by with better than expected grades and comments. here in sd, it feels like no one is letting me get away with those kinds of things anymore. i think it's a good thing because i don't think i should get by that way anymore. life is life. it's supposed to be hard. sometimes people will let you slide by just doing the bare minimum but what good is that going to do for me? just getting by mediocre-ly ?! sometimes it sucks because i do try and when i get papers or comments/feedback on my performance and it's bad, it makes me feel suck-y. like my thought process is wrong, that all my hard work and time was just a waste to professors, or make me re-think if i'm following the right career path.

all in all, i'm trying to do better for myself on my own. i'm not asking for favors, bribing people, cheating the system, bs-ing anyone (anymore), stealing, etc. just honest hard work and my sincerest efforts. i worry that i'm not up to par when it comes to my level of education and work experience, but what can i do? i'm a graduate student with no real work experience related to health care. i believe that sometimes there are people in the world who are willing to take a chance on other people. i don't want to rely on that idea, but i'm hoping someone will take a chance on me.

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i'm always stressed and tired because i'm living on my own. no roommates and hardly any friends close by to help me get things done. but i'm going to be okay because i know i can rely on myself of all the people in the world. i used to hate san diego, but i wouldn't mind settling here for a while. i don't want to move anymore because it takes way too much effort and adjusting. this is where i've found myself and i guess i'm here to stay, at least for longer than i expected. i guess for once i want to be somewhere without having an important reason to be here like school.

i want to make my own decisions without consulting with my parents about it first. i want complete financial independence by this time next year. i want to make plans for things to do in life. i'm almost done with school for a long time. i'm super excited and i can't wait til this is all over.

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1. quit smoking. even for social purposes.
2. separate trash and recyclables.
3. save money while the economy sucks. also manage money better.
4. sew more.
5. ride bike and find alternative forms of transportation.
6. be efficient.
7. spend more time at the gym and library.

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school has been in session for a month and it's been hectic, stressful, and quite eventful.
i have five classes, 3 are traditional and 2 are practical (internship and research). i'm also taking a apparel constructing class and a knitting class at mesa/continuing education.i have a presentation to do today and a paper on thursday and another presentation next monday. and after that week is midterms. it seems like all my down time and all of my cushion time is gone.. it's go time now.


internship is fun. it's not just sitting in an office all day. last time i went in, the dept had a health fair. so i got to help out with setting that up, running it, and then tearing it down. tueday i have to sit in on a diabetes class and thursday i'm going to help out with one of the programs which is "dog's day out". It's when blind people and their guide dogs have a day out with wounded military people and mingle as a sort of therapy for both the blind and wounded. i'm just supposed to be the eyes for the blind people just in case the military people have some sort of issue. i honestly really like my internship not because there's a hot guy in the department or that the other interns and enlisted staff are pretty cool (it's a big part), but i realized at the health fair that i like to help people and get to know them. i think this health services administration thing is going to work out for me. i like that i don't have the big responsibility of having someone's life in my hands (like if i were a nurse) but rather helping them get information that they don't have access to or just helping them talk out their issues.

i'm loving my fashion classes too. i decided that i may just stay in sd until i finish the certificate program and maybe find a job here. my original plan was to move to LA or SF but i think it's time i just stay. I would really like to be in LA because a lot of people i know are there but at the same time everything has changed so going back to how things were a year or two ago may not be the same as it was. i think sometimes it's just best to move on and not go back. i think my outlook and pov has changed so much since i moved to sd. in some instances i changed for the better and if i were to go back to how things were with friends, i'm just going to fall back into how i was and i don't really want that to happen for me.


i haven't had time to clean up lately. my apartment is like a trash can. there's stuff all over the place. on the floor, desk, kitchen. i need to clean today.
the weekend was fun. it was the first time i got out of san diego for more than a day trip. i went to irvine/oc and la. knotts scary farm and la county fair. it was fun and the first time i went to either.

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